SANTA MONICA, CA - Setting a record even for the exceptionally fertile and irresponsible Spears family, Maddie Briann Spears, week-old daughter of Jamie Lynn Spears, is already pregnant. The identity of the father of the child’s child is being sought.
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GUNNISON, CO - Wearing black and looking more sullen than usual, Anthony Delamore says recent campus shootings which grabbed news headlines really piss him off.

“I was planning a school stabbing spree on every day some hoodie-wearing prick took the easy way and shoots himself a bunch of sheeple. Seriously - you can check my desk calendar - I made an X in my own blood on each day I was ready to rage, and some shit grabbed my thunder with his pussy-ass gun. I mean, fuck me, I hope they’re happy.”

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NEW YORK, NY - Looking down from their cherrywood-paneled offices on the 75th floor, many attorneys - when disturbed by news of it at all - ask themselves “how can I pitch in?” as Earth Day rolls around.

Being too affluent to remain aware of the mundane infrastructure of their homes and families, we provide these helpful Earth Day conservation tips, scaled to the attorney’s lifestyle.

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Once again, we are shaken and shocked to learn some amped punk has gone on a murderous rampage. This time it was in my hometown of Salt Lake City, Utah (where the crazies are more likely to carry concealed spouses than concealed weapons) - but we know it can and does happen anywhere.

And once again, the gunman got it all wrong.

Because he was killed last. (more…)

LAPEER, MI - As the untimely death of Anna Nicole Smith spread through the media as if it were real news, 15-year-old Timothy Darby, like many men young and old alike, took his sudden despair to the one place he could find the privacy he needed — the bathroom at the end of the upstairs hall.
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AUSTIN, TX - With a nod to its aging members, the American Pedophile Association announced today in a press conference across the street from Bennion Elementary that more is now less; for the Boomer generation, 25 years old is the New 10.
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PEARLY GATES - After being accidentally killed by a stringray’s barb while taping a nature show, popular environmentalist and celebrity Steve Irwin suffered additional humiliation upon arrival in Heaven, where he was greeted at the Gates by ruffled naturalist Timothy Treadwell with a campaign of verbal one-upmanship aimed at the recently deceased celebrity. A crowd of angelic host quickly gathered.
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